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Crichton's Notes
Crichton's Notes


In the movies, astronauts pack suicide pills for their experimental space missions, for, like, when they're stranded out in the middle of nowhere and would rather be dead. But I can't think of a single summer blockbuster where the hero gets the good advice I could have used: pack Allegra and a Ventolin inhaler.

Let me back up. Zhaan — like all Delvians — is a plant. [ ZHAAN ] That's right; you heard it here first, folks. A root of some sort, maybe, or a tuber; at least, I imagine she'd look a little like a blue turnip if you cut her open.

So this at least helps explain the photogasms — Zhaan has these incredibly, um, arousing experiences when she's exposed to light. Who'd have thought being a plant could be so much fun?

But it's not all fun, 'cause when Delvians go for a long time without food they start to flower. When Moya ran low on food cubes, Zhaan turned into a real-life Chia-head with little pussywillowlike nubs poking out of her face, and the rest of us got stuck sneezing our brains out and praying for Ben Stein to show up with eyedrops. Thankfully, a Delvian's blossoming cycle can be reversed by feeding them meat.

When I was little, I used to hang out with this kid Angelo who was allergic to everything — ragweed, pollen, cats (the animals and the Broadway musical) — man, I'd hate to see him in the same room as a budding Delvian. Actually, I'm surprised I haven't been allergic to more strange, unknown irritants out here.

If I ever get back home, I will definitely think twice about spraying weed-killer on Venus Flytraps, that's for sure. Could be Zhaan's cousin for all I know....


'Til the Blood Runs Clear

Crackers Don't Matter

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